How to Talk to Your Child’s School About Behaviours of Concern

Talking to school about your child’s behaviour can feel daunting. You might worry about being judged, not being believed, or being seen as “that parent”.

As a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) and UKBA(cert) behaviour analyst, I sit in a lot of these meetings with families and schools. When the conversation is handled well, it can be a turning point for everyone.

This guide is here to help you feel more prepared, more confident, and more supported.

Before the meeting: get clear on what you’re seeing

You don’t need a perfect behaviour log, but a few clear notes can really help.

Try to jot down:

• What is happening?

  • “He hits other children during unstructured times.”

  • “She refuses to enter the classroom after lunch.”

  • “They run from the room when it gets noisy.”

    
    

• When and where does it happen most?

  • “Most often at breaktime / transitions / PE / end of day.”

  • “In the dining hall / playground / corridor.”

    
    

• What seems to help or make it worse?

  • “It’s worse when routines change.”

  • “It’s better when one adult stays close and gives warnings.”

    
    

You can bring this as bullet points. It shows you’re not just “complaining” - you’re trying to understand and work together.

Decide what you want from the meeting

It’s okay to have needs and to name them.

You might want to:

• Share your concerns and be heard.

• Ask for specific support (e.g. visual timetable, safe space, reduced homework).

• Agree a plan for keeping your child and others safe.

• Make sure home and school are using similar approaches.

  
  

You can write a simple sentence to keep in mind, such as:

• “I’d like us to understand what’s driving these behaviours and agree on some practical support.”

• “I want my child to be safe and included, and I’d like us to plan how to make that happen.”

  
  

How to open the conversation

Starting in a calm, collaborative way sets the tone.

You might say:

• “Thank you for meeting with me. I know everyone wants the best for [child’s name], and I’d like us to think together about some behaviours that are worrying me.”

• “I really appreciate what you’re doing. There are a few things happening at home/school that I’d like to understand better so we can support [child’s name] together.”

  
  

This makes it clear you see school as a partner, not an enemy.

Share what you see - without blame

Try to describe behaviour in factual, non-judgemental language.

Instead of: “He’s being really naughty at school.”

Try: “He’s hitting and shouting when other children come too close at breaktime.”

Instead of: “They’re refusing to do any work.”

Try: “They often put their head down and don’t start tasks, especially in maths.”

You can then gently bring in the idea of behaviour as communication:

• “I’m wondering what this behaviour is helping [child’s name] to cope with or get away from.”

• “I’d like us to think about what might be behind this, not just how to stop it.”

  
  

Helpful questions to ask school

These questions invite school to think about function and support, not just sanctions.

You could ask:

• “When you see this behaviour, what usually happens just before it?”

• “What do you notice helps to calm things down?”

• “Are there times of day or lessons where this doesn’t happen? What’s different then?”

• “What support is already in place, and how is it working?”

• “Could we look at adjustments that might help, like changes to the environment, routines or expectations?”

  
  

If you feel comfortable, you can also ask:

• “Would it be helpful to involve a behaviour specialist, like a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) and UKBA(cert) behaviour analyst, to help us understand the behaviour and plan support?”

  
  

Talking about consequences and sanctions

Schools often focus on consequences (loss of playtime, detentions, exclusions). You are allowed to ask how these are helping your child learn safer skills.

You might say:

• “I understand the school has behaviour policies. I’m also wondering: are these consequences helping [child’s name] feel safer and learn what to do instead?”

• “Could we think about ways to teach [child’s name] a different way to ask for help or a break, rather than only using sanctions?”

  
  

You can gently bring the focus back to skills:

• “What skills do we think [child’s name] is missing here – for example, asking for help, coping with noise, joining in games?”

• “How can we teach and practise those skills in a supportive way?”

  
  

Sharing your own expertise as a parent

You know your child best. Your insights are valuable.

You might share:

• Triggers you’ve noticed at home.

• Strategies that help (e.g. visual schedules, clear warnings, sensory tools, quiet time).

• What your child says about school, in their own words if possible.

For example:

• “At home, we’ve noticed that transitions are really hard. A five-minute warning and a visual timer make a big difference.”

• “[Child’s name] says, ‘It’s too loud in the hall and I feel sick.’ I’m wondering if we can look at that environment together.”

  
  

Bringing in professional support (BCBA / UKBA(cert))

If you’re working with, or planning to work with, a behaviour analyst, you can explain their role clearly:

• “We’re working with a behaviour analyst who is a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) and UKBA(cert) behaviour analyst. Their role is to help us understand what’s driving the behaviour and to design positive, evidence-based support.”

• “They can help us look at patterns, suggest adjustments in the classroom, and create a plan that feels realistic for staff and for us at home.”

  
  

You can offer to share summaries or invite school to a joint meeting (with your consent and the professional’s agreement).

Agreeing a plan - and writing it down

Before the meeting ends, try to agree on:

• 3–5 clear actions, for example:

  • “Use a visual timetable and give a 5-minute warning before transitions.”

  • “Offer a quiet space at lunchtime when the hall is too loud.”

  • “Teach [child’s name] to use a ‘break’ card instead of running from the room.”

  • “Share a simple home–school communication sheet about key behaviours.”

    
    

• Who will do what and by when.

  • “Class teacher will introduce the visual timetable by next Monday.”

  • “SENCO will review the plan with parents in four weeks.”

    
    

Ask if this can be written down and shared with you. This might be part of an Individual Support Plan, Behaviour Support Plan or similar.

You can say:

• “It would help me to have this written down so we’re all clear and can review what’s working.”

  
  

Looking after yourself in the process

These conversations can be emotionally heavy. You might feel:

• Defensive or blamed.

• Guilty or ashamed.

• Relieved to finally be heard.

  
  

All of these feelings are valid.

A few gentle reminders:

• Needing support does not mean you’ve failed as a parent.

• Your child’s behaviour is not a reflection of your worth.

• You are allowed to ask questions, to disagree respectfully, and to ask for time to think.

  
  

If you leave a meeting feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to email later with follow-up questions or to ask for another meeting.

When things feel stuck

If you feel school is not listening, or the plan is not working, you might:

• Ask for a review meeting sooner.

• Request that a SENCO, pastoral lead or senior leader attends.

• Share any reports from professionals (e.g. behaviour analyst, educational psychologist, speech and language therapist).

• Ask what reasonable adjustments can be made under the Equality Act (if your child is disabled under the Act).

  
  

You don’t have to do this alone. A behaviour analyst (BCBA / UKBA(cert)) can help you prepare for meetings, interpret school language, and suggest practical next steps.

Final thoughts

Talking to school about behaviours of concern is brave. You are advocating for your child, and that matters.

By:

• Describing behaviour clearly,

• Asking thoughtful questions, and

• Working towards a shared plan

  
  

you give your child the best chance of feeling safer, more understood and better supported in school.

If you’d like help to prepare for a school meeting or to create a joint plan with home and school, this is exactly the kind of work I support families and teams with as a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst (BCBA) and UKBA(cert) behaviour analyst.